// MISSCHRIS //

This is just a temporary theme….

I was going to wait until the new theme and format was up before blogging, but I couldn’t wait any longer.  I’m sure you’ve all been guessing what the heck happened to me, so I’m going to explain as best I can.  I suggest you make yourselves comfortable, I have a feeling this is going to be a long one…

Flashback to April– it was a Saturday morning. My sorority was having its annual PhiHop fundraiser ( a pancake breakfast to raise money for our sorority). My sorority sister, Christina, decided to invite her friend, Bob, to the event. Halfway through breakfast, I was introduced to Bob. Bob proceeded to tell me that he was in the Army and had just come back from Iraq a few weeks earlier because of an injury he sustained there when his Humvee was attacked by an IED (basically, a homemade road bomb). Apparently he was the only one who survived the attack. After making me feel all bad for him, he managed to get me to give him my phone number. Later that day, we made plans to go out the following weekend.

Next weekend– after a long week of talking and getting to know more about each other via facebook chat, we went on our date. When he picked me up at my house, he decided to kiss ass with a bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates. He then took me out to dinner at Buca di Beppo, which is favorite restaurant. Afterwards, we went to the mall, and saw a movie. “He seems like such a gentleman,” I thought. The following night, he calls me and asks if I wanted t go out again, that night. I agreed, and we went bowling. After, we went back to my house where we proceeded to talk for 2 hours about everything and anything. On the way out to his car, we shared our first kiss. I’d like to call it the kiss of death, because my life changed drastically after that.

Less than a week later– I had made it clear to him before we even went on our first date that I wanted to take things slow. I really didn’t have much dating experience, so I wanted time to warm up. Well, Bob was some charmer and smooth talker, because I almost immediately threw caution to the wind, and less than a week after our first date, I decided to give him the one thing I had held near and dear to my heart for so long– my virginity. And from there on, we had a very reckless relationship.

May through August– I eventually began sleeping at his place about every other night. Now, when I say “his place”, I don’t mean his apartment. I mean his parent’s house. Yes, I thought there was nothing weird about sleeping over at his parent’s house o_O Bob and I’s relationship quickly evolved. Within the first few weeks of us dating, my mom demanded that I go on birth control. Once Bob heard I was going on birth control, he took advantage of me. He would refuse to use protection because he felt that I was protected enough, and although I would make it clear what my boundaries were, he ignored them and persuaded me to do whatever he wanted, because again, he’s a master charmer. He eventually instilled a fear within me– a fear of ever losing him, so I would do absolutely anything he wanted in an effort to make him happy.

Oh yeah, did I mention he had a severe anger problem? Whenever he didn’t get his own way, he would get in a fit of screaming rage. He did it to me once, and actually cornered his mom to where she was practically on her knees– twice. And apparently when he was younger, he had shoved his stepmom through a plywood wall. Yet, I still.didn’t.leave.

But that wasn’t all. When we first met, he made it seem like he was loaded with cash. He would drop hundreds of dollars on lavish luxuries like it was nothing. He didn’t have a job– he claimed it was money from the Army. Yet, as soon as I was established at my new summer job (I was working at Dunkin’ Donuts), he suddenly had no cash, so after making me feel terribly guilty, I began paying for things left and right. First it was little things, like food and gas, or movies. But then in late June, he couldn’t come up with the money for his medical insurance. I thought it was a little suspicious, because aren’t military personnel covered by the VA? Anyway, without questioning it, I paid the $100 for his insurance. Then I started paying for stuff for his parents, like cigarettes for his mom, or dinner for the 4 of us, rather than just Bob and I. I even bought groceries for them. I didn’t think this was weird– I thought it was the least I could do for them letting me stay over all those nights.

July– After he suddenly had no more money left, he landed a job with a local ambulance company in their non-emergency transportation fleet. When Bob and I first met in late April, he told me that he was gonna go back to school at ASU, and major in Civil Engineering. After not being able to come up with the funds for school (again, this sounded a bit fishy to me– isn’t the Army supposed to pay for school? Although, after coming up with some bullshit excuse for me, I didn’t question it), and after his first day on the job with the ambulance company, he suddenly decided that he wanted to be a Paramedic. And NOW. He was convinced that there were schools out there where he could immediately gain Paramedic certification. I told him there was no such thing (I finally did some research on this issue), and told him to just go through the EMT program at the local community college. He became irate at this idea. Apparently, there’s a difference between an EMT and a Paramedic. Apparently, paramedics have more certification and make more money. I then told him to look into the nursing program at the university, but again, this didn’t settle him much. I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand the sudden urgency to become a paramedic. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t just go to the community college, and work his way gradually from EMT to Paramedic. But according to him, he needed to be a paramedic, and he needed to be a paramedic NOW.

He then found some college up in northern California that offers a two-week Paramedic crash course with certification. Except, this thing was $4000. He went to apply for a loan, but because he and his parents had such horrible credit, he the only way he could get a loan was if someone with good credit co-signed for him. And guess who had the good credit….

After talking it over with my parents, who at this point could not stand him, I decided not to cosign the loan, for fear that not only would I be cut off from financial aid for my own education, but that if he defaulted on paying the loan, that I would be held responsible. After giving me a sob story, the smooth talker was back in action. He convinced me that he had no one else to help him out financially, and that the only way he could go to school was if I helped him. So I decided to apply for a student credit card, which had a $4000 credit limit. I was going to charge his schooling on this credit card, thus immediately giving me a maxxed-out credit card. On the application, it asked me for my home address, and an alternate school address, and asked me where I wanted the card and bills sent to. I put down his parent’s address as the alternate address, and put that I wanted everything sent to that address. And for the phone number, I put down my cell number rather than my home number, because to keep this entire scheme hidden from my parents.

He needed to have this course paid for by July 31st, because the course was to start August 4th. However, by some grace of God, the card came too late, and he couldn’t go. I then tried to convince him in the next course, which was to begin a month later (why, why, WHY?!?!?), but he chose to just enroll in the community college program instead (like I’d been telling him all along).

But now here I was, stuck with a credit card. I was ready to call up the credit card company and cancel the card, but the smooth talker convinced me that I should have some fun and treat myself to something nice. The day the card came in the mail, I decided to go to Best Buy and buy myself a fancy-schmancy digital camera. Because my first purchase on the card was high-priced, the credit company saw it as fraudulent activity and froze my card so I couldn’t use it. The next day, I got a call from the credit company asking me to verify my identity and confirm the charge, which I did successfully. However, I did this as a result of calling them back after they left a voicemail on my phone. It turns out that after they couldn’t reach me on my cell phone, they decided to look up the number associated with my home address…

When I got home from work that day, my mom approached me in a state of panic. She had answered the call from the credit company, and was panicked that someone was trying to steal my identity. She had a hunch that this person trying to steal my identity was either Bob or Bob’s mom (Bob’s mom had a shady history with credit cards), so after interrogating me, and after I boldly threw her lie after lie, I couldn’t keep up the charade anymore, and broke down. Although, I still haven’t told her the real reason why I opened up the card. As far as she knows, I opened up the card so that way I didn’t always have to rely on my debit card, and that I would use it for emergencies. After telling her that the billing statements were being sent to Bob’s house, she begged me to change the billing address. Now that the (almost) truth was out in the open, I saw no reason to keep having the statements sent to his house, so I obliged and changed the billing address.

August– at this point, I was starting to have some doubts about our relationship. He was getting increasingly abusive (emotionally and sexually). He tried convincing me that my family was just a bunch of nutjobs out to ruin me (he told me that my mom was mentally unstable and abusive, that my brother was gay and autistic (he’s neither. And he saw nothing wrong with practically calling my brother gay to his face), that my aunt was a meddling bitch whom he made threats against to me, etc.), and that I should stay away from them as much as possible. I also was supposed to cut myself off from my friends who disapproved of our relationship, including my friend Jenna (whom he had a vicious argument with on facebook from the first day they talked on there. She said something along the lines of “you hurt her and I’ll kill you” in a joking manner, like most girls say, yet he saw this as a major threat, and felt the need to try and tear her down after that by calling her stupid, a bitch, incompetent, a home-wrecker, etc. He also told her that having her in my life was causing me to be depressed and ill, and that for my own health and safety, it’s best that we’re not friends. He also said she was banned from “our wedding”), and my best friend Olivia, whose been my best friend since freshman year of high school, and who will always be my best friend (the only time she met him, we went to the mall together, and after eating lunch, she dragged me into the bathroom and told me that she didn’t like the way he was speaking to either of us (he was speaking down to the both of us. He did that often– he always had to make himself sound superior and like he knew everything about everything), and that I need to be careful with him).

After suddenly feeling trapped by him and his family (his dad wanted me to work for him, and his mom wanted Bob and I to get our own place, which she was going to furnish for us, and almost forced me to switch to their cell phone plan and that I was going to have to use one of their old phones), I decided I needed a breather. I found plane tickets for $220 roundtrip to Boston. I wanted to go visit some good family friends who lived back there. I had been wanting to go back there for a while, but since I felt I was on the verge of a crisis, now was the best time to go. Donna was the one who came out to us when my mom had her breakdown last year, so I felt she was the one to go to now. After going over my plans with my parents and, of course, Bob, Bob was like “oh, I could get you my military discount on plane tickets, but I would have to go with you.” Since the whole pretense of this trip was to get some fresh air from the mess that currently was my life and to distance myself from him for a week, and also because this was the first red flag I had realized of just how controlling he was (he wanted to go with me not to keep me company, but to keep an eye on me, I concluded), I told him no thanks, and went and booked the tickets I had originally seen. Two weeks later, I was relaxing on the lake in New Hampshire.

New Hampshire– I think Bob quickly caught on to what my motives were for going to New Hampshire. Before I left for NH, Bob and I had been talking about plans for his birthday, which was at the end of September. We had settled on celebrating in Vegas with his parents (he was going to be turning 21). I guess he realized that he could soon lose me forever, so after his unprotected sex scheme backfired on him (I was convinced he was trying to get me pregnant– he had already gotten his ex pregnant, but according to him, she had an abortion, and later got pregnant from some other guy), he dropped the bombshell on me.

While I was in NH, I got a text message from him saying something along the lines of “when we go to Vegas, there’s one other thing I’d like to do… Mrs. D.” His birthday was only a month away, which meant that next month, he wanted us to get married. I kind of freaked out. And I made him know it. Not only had we been dating just under 4 months, which seemed way too soon to be getting married, my dream wedding didn’t involve Las Vegas, and in order to have my dream wedding, I would need more than a month to plan.

Also, my parents would not be easy to convince, if at all, so I told him I’d have to think about it. He convinced me that the Vegas wedding was for “military-purposes only”, so that way I could get enrolled in all of the military benefits including having my schooling paid for (which didn’t make sense to me– why would they pay for my education and not his?), having full medical benefits (again, why would they pay for mine and not his?), and also being able to buy a house with his G.I. Bill. He convinced me that we would have the big, formal ceremony in January, because he was afraid he was going to be deployed in February. I told him I still wasn’t sure, and that we should wait until he gets official word on whether he’s gonna be deployed or not, before I make my decision. He tried telling me that military benefits take a long time to process, and that the sooner we get married and start the process, the better.  So… I agreed. And changed my facebook status to Engaged. Without informing anyone in person.

All of a sudden, my inbox and wall is filled with messages and comments from my friends, asking me if I was really engaged. Red flag #2– usually when people get engaged, they feel the need to tell the world without shame. I, on the otherhand, responded to people’s questions with “well, he just gave me a promise ring, but we’re going to get married eventually,” even though I knew that within three weeks, I could be a married woman.

I got home from NH on my mom’s birthday. After having a celebratory breakfast with her right after I landed back in Phoenix, I darted over to his house for the remainder of the day, because he had had surgery on his ankle (the injury he had supposedly sustained while in Iraq), and I wanted to play nurse. It was a boldfaced statement to her that I put him above anyone else, and she gave me hell for it when I came home two days later. After getting into a heated argument with my mom, I decided to have Bob pick me up from work the next day. He then drove me to Urban Art Tattoo, without telling me where we were going until we got there, where I proceeded to take out my anger and frustration in the form of a butterfly tattoo on my upper back. And then he decided not to tell me until after the damn thing was on my back that I was going to be the one paying for it, because he had no money.

I decided that my mom was mad enough at me that I didn’t need to rub a tattoo in her face, so it was my plan to keep it from her for as long as possible. Yeah, well, that plan only lasted about a week. After having a conversation with my mom about how I want to eventually have the moles on my neck removed, my mom starts pulling the neck of my shirt down to see if I had any more moles. That’s when she caught a glimpse of the top of my tattoo…

“When did you get this?!? Why?!?!? Who took you to do this?!?!?” My heart was pounding so hard I thought it was going to pop out of my chest. I was busted. I decided to play it cool and remind her that I’d been wanting a tattoo since I was 17, and that I finally gathered the courage to get it done. Her response: “Well, you have to live with it.” That line stuck with me: “you have to live with it.”

And that’s why, the next day, I realized that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with Bob. However, just to confirm my doubts (and also to get jackass off my back about it), I decided to ask my parents why they didn’t like him, and how they felt about the possibility of Bob and I getting married. And they dished it out, explaining to me why they didn’t like and didn’t trust him, and how my entire extended family was pleading with my parents to talk some sense into me, and about the secret conversation my mom had with my best friend about how my best friend was scared for me, etc.

Realizing that they were perhaps right, I texted Bob, telling him that this simply wasn’t going to work, and that I’m tired of having to choose between him and my family. He then drove to my house, and we went for a drive. He tried, once again, to tell me how screwed up and controlling my family was, and how if I didn’t marry him I would just end up being a 30-year-old who still lived at home and did whatever mommy and daddy said. He also made me talk to his stepdad on the phone, and had his stepdad try to talk some sense into me, and tell me that my mom is mental and that I shouldn’t listen to her, and that it would be stupid for Bob and I to break up. I basically told Bob that his stepdad had nothing to do with this and that he had some nerve making him talk to me. I told him that the only way I could see this working out was if we were friends only. He said that was impossible, and gave me an ultimatum, saying I either marry him or don’t, there’s no in between. We ended the night with me still steadfast on the idea of taking a break, and me giving him the promise ring back.

Well, the next night, the smooth talker was back at it again, crying and screaming into the phone about how if I left him, he would kill himself, and how I was all he had, and without me, he would be all alone in the world, about how he had no friends, and how his family hated him, and how if he didn’t kill himself, that he would probably get killed in Iraq, which he said he would prefer, because at least then he wouldn’t have to kill himself, and how then it would be an “honorable” death. After successfully scaring me, I decided that we could try to work this out. So we were officially back on.

September– all this while, my brother’s best friend had also recently joined the Army, and just so happened to be doing his basic training at the same base that Bob had supposedly done his basic training at. I guess my brother was telling his friend all about Bob and I, and how my brother wanted to know more information about Bob. So my brother’s friend (whom I’ve known since I was 13– he and my brother were roommates their freshman year of college. This guy was also my date to senior prom. This guy is like a brother to me) must’ve asked around at the base about Bob, and what people knew about him… Turns out Bob was kicked out of boot camp for disorderly behavior. Which means that Bob was never in Iraq (his injury was from running while in basic). Bob didn’t have a G.I. Bill. Bob didn’t have an educational stipend. Bob didn’t have medical benefits. Bob didn’t have an honorable discharge, like his “paperwork” said (I saw this so-called paperwork, which means if he was in fact kicked out of boot camp, he must’ve falsified documents). Bob didn’t have anything. All Bob had was a lie.

And then it all made sense. According to Bob, he was in Iraq on a “secret security mission” that the government doesn’t want anyone to know about. And somehow, his parents had no idea that he was deployed. For all they knew, he was still in training here in the States. He said because he was a “communications specialist”, every time he would call home, he would do something to the signal to make it look like he was calling from his base here in the States. I was there when he told his parents that he was in Iraq. They didn’t believe him, and almost joked with him about how he was at the base the whole time. He proceeded to get irate and in their faces, screaming at them.

My brother also did some investigating of his own. Because he works for a news station, and has access to public records and whatnot, he ran Bob’s name through the police system, and found out that Bob has a record. He was arrested when he was 18, and did 10 days in jail for aggravated assault (his anger problems confirmed).

This was the last straw. I realized I would be ruining my life if I spent even one more second with him. I had no idea who he was. He was now a stranger to me– a stranger with an anger and control problem. I texted him yet again, and told him that it wasn’t going to work. I didn’t tell him why, and wasn’t going to be swayed this time. After begging and pleading with me for answers, he realized that I was set on this decision to leave him. He then began cursing and threatening in his messages. In one particular message, he said “tell your mom to go fuck herself.” After that particular message, I stopped responding to him.

After incessantly calling and texting me throughout the night, I decided to go to my cell phone provider the next morning and change my phone number. I blocked him from every social networking site and instant messenger that I was a part of. The only way he could get ahold of me now was by either showing up at my house, showing up at work, or emailing me. Two weeks passed relatively calmly. I was slowly relearning what it was like to live without him, and I started to realize how much I had missed out on that summer.

Then, one day, he showed up at my work. He handed me an iced coffee as a suck-up gift (which I dumped down the sink in the bathroom after he left. Who knows, it could’ve been drugged), then told me we needed to talk, and when I got off work to meet him at so-and-so, one-on-one, so we could talk about our relationship. By this point, he realized that I had changed my number, because he said “this was the only place I knew I could find you.” I told him sternly that he needed to leave, and after a couple of minutes, he finally did. I was so shaken up that my whole body was shaking the rest of my shift. I never thought he’d be brazen enough to show up at my work. I decided I wasn’t going to meet up with him (the way he said “one-on-one” made me nervous. For all I knew, he was going to kill me. He did own like 7 guns– and not handguns, like high-powered rifles). I immediately called my parents, and had a friend walk me to my car when I got off work.

That night, he resorted to the email route. He begged me to just talk to him, and that he needed me in his life, even if we were just friends. I told him I just wanted to move on, and that the only way to successfully do that was to leave each other be, and just go our separate ways. After pleading with me some more, I told him that I had already given him my answer, and that it was no, so then he gave me some sappy “May God bless the ground your feet walk on” crap, and didn’t email me any more after that, or so I thought…

November– I had booked another flight to New Hampshire to go and visit some grad schools that I was interested back there. a few days before I was supposed to leave, my phone beeped while I was on my way to a sorority meeting, alerting me that I had a new email. I checked my email, and it was from him, asking how life was going for me and that he was thinking about me. At that moment, I panicked, because at that moment, it was dark out, and I was walking across campus in the dark by myself. I thought maybe he was following me. So I hurried on up to my meeting, and after the meeting, I walked back to my car with some of my sorority sisters. I decided not to return his email.

The next day, I left work (the same work that he had shown up at), and had a couple of hours to kill before I had to be at my other job. So I called up my friend Olivia and asked if she wanted to meet up for lunch. She said she was at home, and that if I wanted to grab lunch and bring it to her house, that would be okay. So I decided to stop at my favorite Mexican fast food place, right by her house, to get my lunch. When I got out of my car, I heard someone call my name. I thought maybe Olivia had decided to meet up with me after all. So I turned around, and it wasn’t Olivia.  It was Bob.

He claimed he and his coworker were stationed at that hospital down the street (he was still working for the ambulance company), and that they were just on their lunch break. I knew he often hung out in this shopping center. He and his coworker would sit in the dining area of the grocery store, so he probably saw my car pull into the parking lot from the window of the dining area, which faces the parking lot. When I saw him, my body went numb. I didn’t know whether to run and scream, call 911, or just talk to him. Knowing his anger problems and not knowing what he was capable of, I decided to just talk to him.  I tried to be as calm as possible, without giving him any details about my current life. After explaining to him that I was in a huge hurry, he finally went on his way, I got my lunch, and I went out the other exit to go to my friend’s house.  When I got there, I nearly burst into tears, and again, was shaking. I called my mom, and told her I wanted to get an order of protection against him, because at this point, I was convinced he was stalking me.

I went to NH and had a wonderful time. It was nice to clear my mind of the incidents of that week, and to be 3000 miles away from Bob. When I returned from NH, I decided that if he tried to contact me again, I would take action against him. He since hasn’t tried contacting me, but I am standing firm on this. Hopefully he’s out of my life for good, but I don’t think I will ever fully let my guard down. As a result of the stress and fear he instilled in me from all of this, I put my classes on the back burner, and as a result failed 3 out of my 6 courses this semester, and now I’m going to graduate a semester later than planned so I can catch up and redo those courses I failed (I was supposed to graduate this May, but instead will now be graduating next December). I put work on the back burner. I put the sorority on the back burner. I became isolated and depressed, and at times suicidal (I never attempted, just contemplated). I gained 20 pounds between May and September. I was angry. Angry at him for brainwashing me the way he did. Angry at myself for being so naive and falling for all of his lies. Angry that I nearly lost my family and friends forever. Angry that I lost an entire summer. Angry that I lost my virginity (I don’t regret losing it, I just regret losing it to him, and regret having lost it within a week of us dating). Angry that I got a tattoo (well, angry that I got it under those circumstances).

I know this was unbearably long, but I just had to get it out. I couldn’t keep it in any longer. I had to let people know the truth- the whole truth. So there you have it, that’s where I was all those months. In this lovedrunk trance. And also avoiding the site because I was afraid he may check here as another stalking mechanism. But if he is checking here, I’m not scared anymore. I can’t continue to live my life under a rock. If he wants to stalk me, so be it. Like I said, my ultimatum still stands, so it’s going to be at his expense, not mine.

I’m moving on. I’m becoming stronger and more confident by the day. He may have muscles, but I have soul. I have class. I have a life that from this day forward, I am going to live on my terms. I will no longer let anyone dictate it for me. I am learning to love myself, and hopefully I’ll find a man who will love me and treat me with the respect and admiration I deserve. But until then, I’m just going to continue to live one day at a time, and enjoy life for all it’s worth.

As for Christina (the one who introduced us), there are no ill feelings, and never have been. How could she have known? How could anyone have known what he was all about? I was just as fooled as anyone else who knew him. In fact, I we’ve become better friends through all of this. She stood by me through all of it, and little does she probably know, that support contributed greatly to me pulling through this, and for that, I am glad :) But if there is a lesson I learned through all of this, I’ve learned that I won’t be letting friends play matchmaker anymore, nor will I be playing matchmaker for any of my friends. It’s just easier that way.

I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason. I’m still trying to sort through the reason for all of this, but in the end, I’ve learned what a relationship isn’t supposed to be, and to stop being so naive, and I think perhaps I needed that reality check, no matter how awful it may have been.

I hope you learned something from this blog entry. I hope that if you are in a similar situation, that you allow yourself to wake up and see the red flags, and get out before it’s too late. Talk to someone, even if it’s just me. Thank you for reading. — Christine

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